Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
