i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
