I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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