my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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