No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
