So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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