If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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