i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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