theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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