I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
