i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
