I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Randomize
