i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
