When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
