it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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