They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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