We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
