You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
