Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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