I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
