is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
