Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
