I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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