Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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