Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
When are your genitals available?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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