Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Randomize
