Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
