How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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