I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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