One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
