The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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