Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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