sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
