Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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