I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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