I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
