Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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