I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
