I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
