I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
