I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Randomize
