but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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