I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
that may or may not have been my penis.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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