Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
