I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
