I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
