The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
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I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
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Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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