Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
