Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
