yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
