Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
