Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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