Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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