You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
