either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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