on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
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How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
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My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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