I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Terrible idea I love it
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.