I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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