Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
